Everything Wrong With My Immortal in an Awful Lot of Minutes
by Samniss Arandeen
Summary: My attempt at a commentary on everybody's favourite So Bad, It's Good fanfiction, My Immortal, in the style of CinemaSins. Plus, I had some criticisms that I hadn't seen addressed yet, so I'd thought I'd give it a go. Love it, hate it, laugh at it. Make of it what you will.
1. Foreword

_**I started this commentary series intending to imitate the style of CinemaSins. This is why you will see a running "Sins" counter as I find more and more things wrong with the story. I won't stop at every single txtspeak or spelling error (if I did, I'd be here a month of Sundays trying to find them all, and I'd come across as the Human Spellchecker rather than an entertaining commentator), but if I see a plot inconsistency, OOC, or a typo I can make a joke out of, well, just look for the bold type in parentheses. This intention is also why all my swear words are censored with an asterisk replacing the vowel. CinemaSins does it that way, so will I. Over time, my commentary evolved (or devolved, make of it what you will) into something more reminiscent of That Guy with the Glasses or The Spoony Experiment where at points I just stop and rant about what the hell I just read, and TSE in particular thanks to having multiple side-counts of particular things wrong with the story, so please bear with me. I also will, in addition to sins for everything wrong, give out "penalty sins" if something in particular is so wrong, the transgression is deserving of more than one sin. And yes, everything is fair game. The story itself, the Author's Notes, hell, even that hacker chapter is going to get sinned.**_

_**My Immortal was written and published by Tara Gilesbie in late 2006-early 2007. People were ripping on it then, people are still ripping on it today (as of December 2014, it's been **_**eight years). **_**I will be pointing out some things already riffed on by many others on the web, as well as my own criticisms of the story which I haven't seen addressed yet. And no, this fic does **_**not **_**get points for trying.**_

_**I have decided to rate this story Mature on the ratings system due to its awful, explicit, horrid sex scenes and rampant violence. Reader discretion advised. Or, dare I say it, Viower Excretion Advisd?**_

_**However this turns out, I look forward to seeing you dear readers on the other side, and invite you to comment/review as you will. Love it, hate it, flame it, laugh at it, have some of your own criticisms I missed, I want to hear from you.**_

_**This is gonna be a bumpy ride, folks. Get in, sit down, buckle up and hang on.**_

_**-Samniss Arandeen**_


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) **(Homophobia. Sins: 1.)** raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. **(You had help, and it's still this awful. Sins: 2.)** U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

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Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **(Ebony's parents must have been prescient. Sins: 3.)** with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). **(Or, you know, Google her frickin name. Sins: 4.)** I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. **(Incest. Sins: 5.)** I'm a vampire **(You got vampires in my Harry Potter fanfiction! Despite there being no indication so far that this is, you know, a Harry Potter fanfiction. Sins: 6.) **but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch **(And also a b*tch. Sins: 7.)**, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **(Hogwarts is in Scotland. Sins: 8.)** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. **(Yeah, go ahead and tell us now. You're going to spend half the fic describing your wardrobe in pornographic detail. Sins: 9.) **I love Hot Topic **(Despite there not being any Hot Topics in the UK. Sins: 10.)** and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. **(Pornographic Clothing Descriptions: 1.) **I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. **(Pornographic Makeup Descriptions: 1.)** I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining **(This is a meterological impossibility. Sins: 11.)** so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger **(The correct "f*ck you" gesture in Britain is two fingers. Sins: 12.) (Also, Middle Finger: 1.) **at them.

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy! **(Of course it was. You're going to Mary Sue him into a relationship, aren't you? Sins: 13.)**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **("Except the f*cked-up scientific impossibility that allows snow and rain to happen at the same place at the same time." Sins: 14.)**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **(Cop-out chapter ending. Sins: 15.)**

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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! **(No. It's not. Sins: 16.)**

**(Chapter Sins: 16.)**


	3. Chapter 2

**(Story Sins: 16.)**

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! **(I suppose this commentary is "flaming" too, right? Sins: 17.)**

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **(As opposed to waking up on the street, hung over? Sins: 18.) (Also, students don't have bedrooms, they're separated by year and gender into dorms. You even say as much later in the story! Sins: 19.)** It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **(Blood in a bottle should be clotted up by now. Sins: 20.)** My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. **(Pornographic Clothing Descriptions: 2.)**

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) **(Make your self-inserts more blatant, won't you? Sins: 21.) (Also, I doubt Raven needs a codename. I doubt Raven's her real name. Sins: 22.)** woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. **(She grinned at you, knowing where to grin at, without looking? Sins: 23.)** She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. **(Pornographic Clothing Descriptions: 3.)** We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **(Foundation? On your "pale white skin"? Whatever...) (Pornographic Makeup Descriptions: 2.)**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. **(Luckily for me, my blushing was hidden underneath my foundation. Sins: 24.)**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me. **(Ebony's lying about interest in Draco to be made obvious in...)**

"Hi." he said. **(5...)**

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **(4...)**

"Guess what." he said. **(3...)**

"What?" I asked. **(2...)**

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **(Muggle band having a concert in Hogsmeade. Sins: 25.)**

**(1...)** "Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **(Obvious lying about interest in Draco Malfoy is obvious. Sins: 26.)**

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. **(Gasping: 1.)**

**(Chapter Sins: 10.)**


	4. Chapter 3

**(Story Sins: 26.)**

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! **(People gave this sh*t good reviews? Sins: 27.)** FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **(But do you own the lyrics for Good Charlotte? Sins: 28.)**

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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. **(Pornographic Clothing Descriptions: 4.)** I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **(Because wrist-slitting depression is totally brought on by going to a concert of a band you like with someone you're interested in. Sins: 29.)** I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding **(Instead of putting a bandage on the cut, I decided to get blood all over my book. Sins: 30.)** and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. **(Don't most women put on their clothes and makeup near to the same time, instead of f*ck off and read books and slit wrists and sh*t in between? Sins: 31.) (Oh, and Pornographic Makeup** **Descriptions: 3.)**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **(Since when is it in character for Draco to use an enchanted Muggle invention? Sins: 32.) (Oh, while we're at it, 30 sins for OOC. Sins: 62.)** He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too) **(Yet this didn't bear mention earlier. Sins: 63.)** , baggy black skater pants, **(Pornographic Clothing Descriptions: 5.)** black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **(Pornographic Makeup** **Descriptions: 4.)**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **(Despite being interested in this guy, going out with him was still depressing to me. Sins: 64.)**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) **(Bullsh*t. Those plates weren't already taken? Sins: 65.) (Oh, cliche alert by the way. Sins: 66.) (Also, they don't have "license plates" in Britain. They have number plates. Sins: 67.)** and flew to the place with the concert. **(The amphitheatre? Or does Hogsmeade seriously have a concert hall? We never see Ebony and friends have to get tickets or deal with bouncers, so I highly doubt it. Sins: 68.) (While I'm on this train of thought, they never have to get tickets. I sincerely doubt Good Charlotte or My Chemical Romance would ever have free concerts. Ever. No matter how charitable they allegedly are to the witchcraft and wizarding community. Sins: 69.) (Sin #69 isn't in the middle of a sex scene. I don't know if that's a sin on Tara's part or mine, so I'll give us both a sin. Sins: 70.) (Samniss' Sins: 1.)** On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood

They're all so happy you've arrived

The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom

She sets you free into this life." sang Joel **(Which Joel? Joel Hodgson? Is Tom Servo on backup vocals? Sins: 71.) **(I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). **(And for the record, neither do I.)**

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. **(He won't let his girlfriend have a celebrity crush? What a tosser. Sins: 72.)**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." **(I doubt they give a flying f*ck, unless they're in their jet, flying to concerts they have no interest in or authority to perform. Sins: 73.)** I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **(Blonde is a rather ugly color for facial skin. Sins: 74.)**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel **(Where's Tom Servo and Crow? Sins: 75.)** for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, **(Does flying a car drunk still count as DUI? Sins: 76.) (Also, DUI. Sins: 77.)** but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! **(Where hopefully, the Centaurs will make short work of them. Sins: 78.)**

**(Chapter Sins: 52.)**


	5. Chapter 4

**(Story Sins: 78.)**

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY **(But I thought her name was Ebony. Sins: 79.)** nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok! **(The "argument" arguing Ebony is not a Mary Sue makes her sound like a Mary Sue. Sins: 80.)**

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"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **(Awfully prescient choice of choice word. Either that or it was a coincidence. Either way, it's worth sinning. Sins: 81.)**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it **(Hopefully after **_**landing**_** the flying car first. Sins: 82.)**. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) **(DUI was bad enough without knowing his vision was tinted red the entire time. Sins: 83.) **which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness **(Depressing sorrow and evilness. Yep, definitely a good boyfriend. Sins: 84.)** and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **(That's all it takes to make up for being dragged into the most dangerous spot on Hogwarts grounds? Sins: 85.)**

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately **(Apparently the sex scene just couldn't wait for the previous sentence to end properly. Sins: 86.)**. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **(IKEA. Insert Tab A into Slot B. Sins: 87.)**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere **(There is something entirely wrong with the order of events here. Sins: 88.)** and my pale body became all warm. **(Horrid Sex Scenes: 1.)** And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore! **(Dumbledore swearing. Sins: 89.) (Also, OOC. Sins: 119.)**

**(Chapter Sins: 41.)**


End file.
